Gold Star Spouse Day 2022. Day 210.

I miss:

• Ordering two large grinders, one ham and provolone, one steak and cheese, and trading halves with each other
• Homecomings. We had many deployments, but one less homecoming.
• Listening to you sing in the shower, and the way you always needed lots and lots of bubbles on your loofa or you wouldn’t be considered clean
• Planning trips and holidays and futures
• You snoring so loudly I would rock you back and forth until you said, “What?” and I said, “You’re snoring,” and you said, “No, I’m not.”
• Making you food, especially a sandwich, because you always loved it except the times I left the cheese wrapper on it to trick you
• Celebrating your birthday
• Being mad at you about things like goofing around with the boys when I was trying to be serious, or that time I saw a picture of you with a giant wad of dip stuffed into your cheek
• Talking to someone who loved the kids as much as I do
• Making a fingerprint in the soft white Wonder Bread of your sandwich every time
• Waking from a bad dream and you’re still alive, ready to hear me talk about it
• Asking you why you’re still smoking just so you can say you’re not
• Wrapping presents
• Sunday mornings with giant, heavy cups of sweet coffee, pancakes, bacon, and a wicked huge newspaper that we paid $1.25 for
• The boys remembering everything about you, or even just you
• Your big feet
• Your perfect skin and how you would always put your arm up to mine like you were better because you tanned and I burned
• Talking about you in present tense
• Dressing fancy for the USMC ball and even conceiving a child after one of them
• Your love for Dr. Pepper even though it annoyed me
• Hearing you and Tyler argue over video games too late at night
• You changing their diapers, giving me orange peanut butter crackers and water, and getting them ready to nurse in the middle of the night
• You “staying awake” so we would know when a tornado was about to hit
• Camping with you
• Planning for camping
• Talking about you for an extensive amount of time without having to violently shake my head to stop myself from crying
• Seeing you in uniform, any kind
• Watching how happy fighting fire made you
• Trying to pick a fight so you would actually argue with me
• Seeing how natural you were holding a newborn
• How you never called Baylee by his birth name, but only by Baby Doo
• Your love for animals and how you never complained, even when you had to clean up Annie’s mess from being in heat.
• You almost missing Max’s birth because you just had to get a soda
• People not feeling sorry for me
• How you loved your sister
• USMC 96’s when we had nothing planned and the weather was yuck
• Feeling safe, like really safe
• The way you looked at me especially when I felt ugly and still had so much baby weight
• Your love for the Christmas village
• Swimming with you, especially when the boys were asleep
• You donating plasma for ninety bucks so Max could have a really great birthday
• You not being a tough guy
• How Baylee wanted you and not me
• Writing paper letters to you and getting some back even though you didn’t love writing
• Your crinkle cut fries you cooked in so much oil
• Never wondering if you were all-in, ever
• Our talks about going to the diner when we got old and being regulars who make friends with other regulars
• Not feeling guilty for having a good day and laughing
• When you sat up in bed, naked, reading What to Expect When You’re Expecting telling me I’m not actually in labor
• How you called the kids weird names like Samowenowens
• You