“Are you sure you’re ready to go out alone?” my friend said to me. We were sitting at the picnic table in my backyard at my house on Shamrock Drive smoking Camel Crush cigarettes and drinking too much coffee.
“Yes, I want to get a newspaper,” I said confidentially. Roger passed away a few days prior, and before that, I didn’t go to many stores, and when I did, I was never alone. I thought I was ready.
I got into my white Chevy Venture van and made my way to the local Shell Station. It was a muggy, hot, very sunny late morning in July of 2009.
I pulled out of the driveway and was a few feet from my house when “Let Her Cry” by Hootie and the Blowfish came on. The song was released in 1994 and the album became worn by me, Roger, and Tyler when we moved into our trailer in 1995. We played that CD over and over.
As soon as the song came on the radio, I lost my desire to go alone, but I found a way. I continued to drive, squinting my eyes so the tears would fall out. I went into the store, purchased a few Jacksonville Daily Newspapers, then drove back to the house.
I just added that song to my playlist again because at one time I did love it. Roger and I both loved it. When I listen, I am not transported back to our beginnings in 1995, but to my darkest days in 2009. I wonder if I can have that back, make that memory my own and stop allowing grief to take it over. Wish me luck.
Teresa Forester Adams 