Old Videos. Day 323.

I do wonder what I should have done, because what I did, didn’t work.

Baylee was not quite three when his dad died. He was attached to him, always choosing him over me, which was new to me. For some reason, I never was bothered by it.

The day he left for war and we said goodbye, Baylee didn’t realize what that meant, or what it could have meant, but we all did. He had no true concept of time or true danger, and although he was sad to see his pops leave, he didn’t understand.

After Roger passed, I made a deliberate choice to not show Baylee videos of Roger because I wanted his memories to be real and organic. Now, I wonder if it was the right choice. Maybe the videos would have triggered something in his mind, in his heart.

It’s not something I cry about anymore, but it will linger with me forever, and I will always wonder if I could have helped him keep some of those memories, if he could have remembered his dad.

If someone ever asks me for advice about this, I don’t know what I will offer, and I think if I could go back, I would sit Baylee on my lap, put the tape in the VCR, and press play.